Talk About Intimidating!

December 21, 2010 at 11:00 am (About MCW, Recognizing Reality)

Greetings!

I am “The Wife” *dun dun dun*, from the infamous MotorCop’s Blog, “If You Got Stopped, You Deserved It“.

Writing this first post is INCREDIBLY intimidating because some of you may already have an idea of who I am. Let me post my disclaimer now to let you know I am not nearly as sharp with my tongue and use less colorful language than my “Better Half”. And you know those quirky little monikers he gives people? Well, what does my husband’s sidebar say? Something about “you got the wrong fuckin’ blog, pal” (well, there goes my claim about the “less colorful language”!).

When MC and I started dating, he bought me a book called I Love a Cop: What Police Families Need To Know, by Ellen Kirschman, Ph.D. He told me he had been waiting years to meet the person he’d *need* to buy the book for. Knowing it takes a special kind of person to be a part of a law enforcement family, I read the book as a sort of test… was *I* that kind of person??

I am a plan-for-the-worst-hope-for-the-best kind of gal. Getting into a serious relationship with someone in law enforcement, (though to be fair, in those days he was still in plain clothes in the jail, meaning not carrying his duty weapon, and heading out the door in a business shirt and tie. Had you seen him in line at Starbucks, one would have thought he was a desk jockey. Until you went to the local grocery store with him, and he was pointing out gang tags and sniffing out “dirtbags”. But I digress…), I had my fair share of Badge Envy (hello, free movie tickets and free BART rides!). I also had my share of straight up freak outs. I went to visit him at work in the jail and he took me on a tour. I’ll never forget what I wore (a long sleeved blue cotton shirt, jeans, my brown heeled boots, and a denim jacket. Yes, the Canadian Tux.), and the fact that I felt so on display as MC escorted me through the different modules.

It wasn’t until then that I realized who MC (though not MC yet!) was dealing with. The worst of society. These people has such a lack of respect for authority, themselves, and their Mama’s, that they end up in a place that they have the bend over any time someone tells them to (dude, I’m talking about booking procedures… sicko). I still remember, eight years later, the name of the guy MC said “in that cell is the worst of the worst. He’ll never see the light of day again except in transport”. Bring.On.The.Worry.

When I couldn’t get a hold a MC by phone, I immediately started thinking of the worst case scenario. That dude got out and, of course, he came gunnin’ for my man. Because, yes, out of all the people in the jail, I envisioned he had the biggest beef with MY LEO. But it never happened. But I still think about that man. And I wonder if he’s ever seen the light of day.

Then, while we were engaged and planning our wedding, a local officer was killed. I felt it was important to attend, both in support of MC, and again, to test myself. The local officer left behind a wife, 8-months pregnant with their first son. I cried. I cried, not so much for him, but for her and the boy who would never know his father. The reality that it is far worse to be the one left behind. We are the ones left to deal with the pain of solitude. We are the ones left to figure out a new way of life when the one we loved was supposed to be there to help through it all.

And then a realized what “it takes a special kind of person…” meant. It meant that, though we kiss our LEOs “goodbye” every day, the pain of living without them while they are living FAR surpasses the chance of living without them should something happen to them on duty.

Both during my visit in the jail and at the funeral, I felt safe. I knew MC was highly skilled at his profession and that his brothers and sisters in blue would step up to help in any way they could, because when you wear the badge, you are family. When you marry a LEO, you marry the whole LEO family.

So, I surprised myself. I am capable of finding peace even in times that I am full of worry and dread. I know, should something happen, I will be the first one they call. I know, should something happen, that his partners will have done everything in their power to help. I know, should something happen, that my MC is with his Heavenly Father. So, while I haven’t completely let go of my plan-for-the-worst mentality, I’d say I’m able to find the best in the worst, and as an MC wife, it is my reality, as sobering as it may be.

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